So it's Monday morning and I'm not even close to finishing my project that is due tonight at 12. Yikes. I don't know why I do this. I need to change. I want to be that student that is always working ahead and all their focus in life is on getting amazing grades in school and finishing honors. I think it's time to "work batch" and get my shit together for my next batch of classes. Just saying. I spend too much time doing unimportant things instead of doing what matters. So it starts....now.
I don't know about you all but Boy Meets World raised me. This was THE best 90's sitcom. I watch it today and I still cry from laughter. It was so amazing. I wish they'd just make a whole other season! I will forever adore this show. Eric Matthews is one of the hottest fictional characters in sitcom history. Just saying. I'm going to bed now and watching some more Boy Meets World. Goodnight, loves!
I will sing to you every day if it will take away the pain; oh and I heard you got it so bad cause I am the best you'll ever have.
I miss missing you now and again
I think missing someone is one of the best bittersweet feelings you can have. It's so powerful and holds such deep rooted feelings. Eventually, if you are no longer in contact with that person you get this feeling of missing the feeling of missing them. I get that. It's not that I 100% miss that person, I miss that crazy feeling of caring about someone so much that they don't leave your mind. They're the cause of random smiles through out your otherwise boring day. They're the reason you're constantly checking your phone just to see if they took the time out of their day to text or call you. They're the reason you sing under your breath and the reason you wear your favorite perfume.
That feeling eventually dulls as time goes by with little or no contact. There's only so much your mind and your heart can handle. You begin to just miss that feeling of caring for someone so much. You miss that intense feeling you got in your stomach every time that person said your name or gave you a compliment. The feeling of that person holding your hand in a crowded room and knowing that they have made the choice to let every one know you have their heart.
I miss that. I wish I had that again. I'm so busy dealing with the personal things in my life, let alone school and two crazy sheepdogs. I don't think it would be fair of me to get into something with someone because knowing me I'm not going to be there for them as much as they'd like me to. I think I'm meant to be single right now so I can put school first. It sounds like an excuse for being insecure that I'm single, right? haha. No, but it does sound like that and it's nothing like that. I know I wouldn't allow myself to miss someone right now. There's too much going on in my head right now to deal with someone else's emotions and being mentally there for them. Someday.
So it's Sunday night and almost 7:00pm. Sundays always make me feel so lazy and all I want to do is sleep or watch movies. Except for the fact that all of my classes' homework is scheduled for monday aka I have to work the shit out of today. I'm going to school for my passion so with that being said, sometimes I just want to crawl under my sheets and daydream until I fall asleep and dream.
I am not the biggest fan of schedules or being told what to do and when it needs to be done. I like working at my own speed and perfecting something before I hand it away to be criticized. Of course, the Breaking Bad marathon is on right now and I can't help but look up at the TV and watch instead of working on the project I have due tomorrow that's worth 20% of my grade. I work better when it's dark outside anyway. It's like "House At The End Of The Street" says, it's almost like everyone has turned their minds off so it leaves me more room to create. I love the idea of that. There's something so beautiful about it.
I'm blogging right now. I'm holding off doing anything productive. I need to be productive. I digress. School IS really important to me, as much as I complain about it. I love learning more about film and perfecting what I already know. I'm happy with where I'm at in this crazy world. I've got a lot going for me as much as people say that I'm going no where with what I'm doing. I've been proving everyone wrong my entire life. They all said I'd never stay sober and now I'm over 3 years. They said I'd never make it out alive, and here I am writing to you. Words are harsh and can damage a life, it just depends on what you decide you want to do with the words that matters. Let it fuel your fire. Let it spark passion and inspiration.
Okay, now I'm going to start my homework and ace the shit out of it. Goodnight <3
Right now I need:
To catch up on homework
To sleep less
Take more chances
Laugh at myself
Believe I can do this
To read a book that takes me far away
To be thankful
To give people the chances they deserve
To stop letting people take advantage of me
To stand up for myself
being melissa von meets amour films
amourFILMS doesn't necessarily share the views and opinions depicted in Being Melissa Von's vlog or blog.
amourFILMS has helped me out with re-creating my "brand" of my vlog and I'm so excited to see what the future holds with the help of amourFILMS! Basically they just helped me out with an awesome introductions and amazing credits. The rest is just my sloppy photobooth recording of me talking to myself about myself. I'm trying to see if I can upgrade to my sony FS100. Fingers crossed.
...thanks to these assholes.
No, but really. People at the dog park walk around with their dogs like they're queen bitch. They always look at the sheepdogs and me like we're the scum of the earth. I mean, I get it. The sheepdogs have horrible manners and burp and fart everywhere they go and feel the need to get up in everyone's business but they're happy and excited to meet someone new! It's not like they're out on the streets of Lancaster mauling children's faces off. They would never bite someone like that. Yet just because my dogs don't have the "proper dog park manners" everyone snubs their noses at me. I treat my dogs like they were my own children and it's like the other parents don't want their kids to be around the crazies of the town haha. They are fucking crazy dogs, it's just in their DNA though.
So now whenever I go out in public and Stanley is like cross-eyed and drooling and acting crazy I just tell people I saved him from the pound the beginning of last week and that the other owners must have not socialized him. I turn the hate into pity. It's not much better but it's a hell of a lot better than every single person acting like their dogs never do anything wrong. My dogs just have fun and they're adorable. If I didn't own them and I saw them out in public I would hug them and want them. I'm sheepdog biased though. So I don't count.
I act like they don't get any good attention, they do! Sometimes people take pictures of them on their cell phones when we're parked in a Turkey Hill parking lot waiting to use the redbox. Some people adore them and can't help but smile. Other's just nag and whisper to whoever they're walking with about how some people need to train their dogs. SCUSE ME, bitch. Have you ever owned an Old English Sheepdog? If all you can do is be rude to me then go be rude somewhere else because I'm enjoying my time watching my dogs be crazy and fucking happy. Plus, Old English Sheepdogs don't mature until the age of 3 and Stanley just turned 2. He still has an entire year of being an irresponsible puppy until he has to grow up a bit.
I haven't been on here in awhile. I constantly do this thing where I just disappear for days on end from texts, social media, school. I de-activated my facebook once again. I've been texting a friend whom I've had forever and we were texting everyday, then I stopped replying. He kept trying to text me but I did the one thing I'm hell bent against; I ignored him. I hate that. It's just like something inside me just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want to talk to anybody.
I texted him back two days later and we talked like I didn't ignore him. I asked him if that upset him and he told me that he knows me and knows that I'll be all there one day and up for anything and then poof I disappear for days on end. I felt kind of taken back by this. I mean, yeah I'm in the wrong because being ignored is fucking awful, as my last post says, but I never really looked at myself as someone to be the person doing the ignoring. The feeling of being irrelevant overwhelms me sometimes. I'm a 10 on the introvert scale. I need that certain time of my day by myself to breathe and process everything that's going on around me.
I mean, yeah everyone has a tendency of ignoring people and things. I'm more of the person to ignore things than people, though. If I'm not a big fan of who you are then I'm going to be honest with you about that, I wouldn't just ignore you. I think that's what my friend was trying to tell me is that he knows I don't do it on purpose, it's just a habit of mine to do the whole "now you see me now you don't" bit. It's just one of those things in life, I guess. Deal with it and move on.
So, I'm writing this post on my phone because I have anxiety about using my computer right now because I'm so behind on my homework. The past three days have been emotionally straining but I'm finally back up from my down cycle. It just feels good to feel good again. When I experience times like that I begin to realize how I have no real connection to the outside world. There isn't one person out there who tries to get to my level and just be there. I only hear feedback telling me I need to change this or do that. They don't realize the intensity of the things I'm personally dealing with and it only makes it harder for me. I know someday that one person will come into my life and really sit down to want to understand and get to know me and the crazy life that has been put upon me. Someday there will be that person who drops everything they're doing just to come lay in bed with me and be there for me because I'm upset. Someday I'll have that best friend. I know this to be true and I believe in this because if I don't put my faith into it then it may not ever come true. Staying strong with my head held high.goodnight loveys!
xoxo; melissa von
Check tracks 8 and 9 and call me back.
I was re-reading some of my previous posts and I whine a lot. Sorry about that. This website is basically my best friend. I go to it to rant about the happenings of my daily life and when something is bothering me I can't help but to blog it out. In real person I don't whine or talk about all the things I hate. I'm the opposite. It's so damn hard to find that one person who you can talk to about everything while you cuddle in bed at night in a cold room. That's all I want. Truth: I hate sex. I know that's like super personal and way out there but it's the truth. I just don't like it. Everybody talks about it like a drug, hell some people are addicted to it and do crazy things just to get it. Not me. I could go the rest of my life without having sex and not even blink an eye about it. Of course, when I confide this with people I get the general responses - you just haven't had good sex yet - you're obviously not doing it right - you're probably just too insecure-. No. It's none of those things. I have my personal reasons for why I don't like it.
What I'm trying to get at is that I just want a guy who will drop everything just to drive to my house when I'm upset. I want a guy who will cuddle with me until I fall asleep and forget why I was ever upset. I want a guy who will love Stanley as much as I do (my old english sheepdog). So far this person only exists in my dreams. I had that guy but he's not here anymore. I want it again. Everyone takes their best friends or their boy/girlfriends for granite. You should be feeling lucky that you have someone there to make the pain go away. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that. Someone that texts you and just makes you smile so big. Someone to say goodnight to. I took it for granite with him and never realized how much he changed me until he was gone. I didn't know how much he cared and how much I needed him and now I just want it back.
Love everyone in your life to the fullest. You're lucky you get to say good morning to them and laugh with them and talk about drama, sadness, and successes. Hold them close and don't ever let that feeling go. One day you won't have that to get you by. Remember all the good things and let all the bad things disappear from your mind.