When you're younger you think that you have the whole world in your hands. People are telling you to prepare for growing up and you just laugh it off. You feel as if you are special and invincible and none of the world's heartaches will reach you. When you're younger you never understand how tricky the world can be how how it doesn't give a shit who you are, it will do what it wants. You may say that they never prepared you for this. They tried.
Being 21 is suppose to be a blessing in itself. It's the one epic age everyone dreams of reaching. They make it out to be like some fairy tale. People put on a brave face. That's one thing I've learned. Everyone attempts to create some sort of persona of themselves to everyone else. No one wants others into their lives to seek out the horrible things that they hide in their closet at night. No one is perfect, yet everyone aims to be and tries to convince everyone else they are. I don't understand this at all.
I want to be honest and I want to be myself. I don't want to hide all of my flaws and secrets and I don't want to be one of "those girls." Trust me, I know I'm no catch right now. It's not that I'm not confident, it's just I'm not in the right place for a guy to look at me and say "oh my god, what an amazing catch, I couldn't imagine a better girl!" Not going to happen. I am 21 years old, I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I don't even have my permit or my license. The only thing I have going for me is the time I put into going to college. I'm the opposite of the normal girl. The "normal" girl, has a car and a license and a job, but may not be going to college.
It doesn't bother me at all anyway. I much rather be single and worrying about myself and school than dealing with the mess that comes with relationships. The guys I've dated have taught me a lot about myself. You should never be with a man that makes you cry within the first month of dating or knowing him. You shouldn't be with someone that creates conflict in your life either.
I've never been in love. I've heard great things about it though. I heard that it's something that you just know when you know. It takes your breath away. I hope someday I'm lucky enough to have that. I've had love for someone, and I've told ex's that I loved them but it wasn't real. I just liked the idea of love and put myself in a state of dreaming. To me, love is something that doesn't fade away. It's that one person that you can't get over. I've gotten over all my ex's and I don't give them a second thought.
Love will find me someday. I'm positive of it. Just not now in my life.
I keep having this reoccurring dream. I'm driving, I don't know where I'm going, but I keep driving and driving.I look at my rear view mirror and I see the town I created a name for myself, both good and bad, and it keeps getting smaller and smaller. I feel free and I feel like I am on to a better life. It's one of those dreams where you wake up a little and try to get back to sleep to stay in that world.
I don't know what it is about Lancaster, but I don't like it. I'm sure every town is the same, but this town is the one the ruined me. Every time I drive through the city, I get flashbacks of the life I use to live. When I'm driving the back roads, random memories pop up in my head. Everywhere I turn, it's a memory attached to what I see, some good but mostly bad.
When the people in my graduation class were enjoying their senior year with friends and writing to colleges, I was in a mental hospital learning how to live again. When the people in my graduation class were at college, I was at rehab and a halfway house learning how to be normal. I'm not ashamed of being institutionalized at all. It was almost like my get away from this horrible town. Those places saved my life. Those places also taught me that there is more to life than this stupid town. There's a whole world out there and I don't plan on being a lifer here.
The dream that I continue to have is amazing to me. I don't feel free right now. I feel the complete opposite. The medication, the mental health issues, the family craziness, and dealing with my past. I've got to stay strong when all I want is to feel free. I want to be happy, I don't care about money, I hate money, I don't care if I'm living in a box. As long as I'm happy then I've made it.
Have you ever had a dream that you've woke up from and couldn't stop thinking about it?
❝Never judge a person by the things their past lovers tell you about them. Their judgement is clouded. To succeed in a relationship, always get to know that person. When it comes to past loves, you're only getting one side of the story. It's more than likely a biased side. No one wants to claim their faults and flaws, everyone wants to play victim. They will suck you dry of pity and not blink a second of regret. Don't judge, be curious.❞
I'm not your average girl. I'm not going to get all cliche and whine about how "I'm not like every other girl" wahh wahh wahh. I'm so much like every other girl in some many ways, and in that amount of ways I am different. Yes, I get jealous and yes, I get crazy. Girls are bred to be crazy. It's all mental warfare and no one is safe when your in the wake of that battle. Unlike most girls I don't care much about looks. To be honest, my dream man is chubby with a nice beard and full of words that will make me laugh and someone who will want to spend all day Saturday with me, not just Friday night.
For those of you who know me, I have an awful habit of dating people who don't make me a better person, but the guys who know how to bring me down. I'm not saying I was ever the "perfect" girlfriend, I'm just a girl, I make my fair share of mistakes. My past lovers find it so entertaining to tell everyone they can of how awful of a girl I am. The flaws they once told me were beautiful are now the flaws that are held against me. The secrets of my past are now being whispered around town. I've learned so much from these certain men. I refuse to let them get the best of me. The difference between me and them is that I continue to fall asleep with a smile on my face, and they continue to struggle with even a simple body function such as that.
They can dish it out, but they sure as hell can't take it. People who actually agree with others who speak bad about a person they've never met is as awful as the one spilling out the rumors. You need to get to know someone before you judge them. People who judge others do it to make themselves feel better and it comes from the fear of becoming irrelevant. The people talking the most harmful things are the people who have the most secrets.
Do the world a favor and never trust the words of someone who talks bad about an ex relationship or ex affair. They are revealing the most horrible things they can come up with and they are keeping out the amazing shine that reflects off that person. Just think about it, would you want people judging you based on what your past lover has to say about you? No. There are harsh feelings and they don't look at you like just another person, they look at you like the one person they use to share everything with and they don't anymore. They hear your name and the pain just pumps through their veins directly towards their heart. Emotions can be a blessing and it can be an atomic bomb waiting to explode.
Be careful who you trust. Be bold, and be yourself. Don't be held back because of others. A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. Keep your head up.
But if it comes down to it, just remember;
revenge is best served cold.
It's been almost 3 years. You were just 21 years old, you were my age and your life was taken away. Your body couldn't handle anymore of the disease, I guess. I remember the day you told me you thought you had cancer because you had a lump in your armpit. I also remember laughing it off. You were 19 at the time, you were too young for something so serious. You never told me that you were dying. I wasn't there for you and I should've known. We stopped talking for the whole year leading to your death and I hate that. I wish you would have just told me. I wish I could've been there for you. I know your heart belonged to someone else and you knew my heart was too damaged to even consider the possibility again. My heart will forever be damaged. You and I already knew that, but now it's damaged because you're not here anymore.
I remember staying up all night and just talking. I would tell you the horrible things about my past and you would tell me yours. You're to this day the only person who cared enough about me to be there and you did what no one else did, you listened to me. You took care of me. I miss driving fast in your car at night time. It was you and I and the wind in my hair with the stars shining down on us. I miss watching those horror movies that made me cringe and you would wrap me up in your arms and laugh at me, but you told me i'll be okay. I remember you would take me to the tattoo shop with you and we would hang out and I would tell you all my ideas for what I wanted and you would laugh. I drove pass that tattoo shop the other day. It's not there anymore. You're not here anymore.
I know you can hear me when I talk to you when I can't sleep at night. I know that you're watching over me. I just wish that you were here to see who I am today. You would be so proud that I'm not drinking anymore. I wish I could see you now. You were the only person in my life that was on my side. You were routing for me to get better. I use to love hanging out with your friends, now when I see them when I'm out, we make eye contact and in that second I know your name is going through both our heads as we look away.
When I went to that psychic I didn't think it was real. I was desperate for just something to tell me that you're still here. I felt you in the room that night. While she was talking I felt like you were right there. Everything she was saying was like it was coming from your mouth. I thank you so much for giving me that.
I just miss you so goddamn much. The one guy who ever gave two shits about me was taken away. I just want to hear your laugh one more time. Just one more. I want to hug you and tell you I miss you and tell you all about how amazing I've been doing and about how much I've changed. I guess I gotta put all that into faith and believe that you are up there and you can see how much I've changed