Being a mom and a parent has always been a dream of mine. I'm one of those girls that will swear up and down that they were born to be a mom. I believe that to be completely true. When I would daydream about it, I would always daydream about the happiness that belongs to the job title. I would think about how content and complete it would be. I thought about pregnancy and how amazing it would be to share that with my person and to get excited for our baby. When I found out I was pregnant I thought I had everything I ever dreamed about. I would soon find out how cruel life can be but how beautiful it could be too.
It was March of 2014 when I met him. I was having a night out with my twin sister and best friend when we decided to have dinner at T.G.I.Friday's at the local mall. I was actually thinking on the drive over how I didn't like that restaurant much, but I bit my tongue and knew I was going to enjoy the girl's night out either way. We told the hostess how many of us there was and she told us it would be a little wait so we took a seat in their waiting room. Their waiting room had a huge window in it that showed the inside of the restaurant. I remember sitting there and staring in the window and thinking while my best friend and my sister were having a conversation. That's when I saw him. He walked past the window and just as he was almost out of view, he did a double take and looked right at me. I looked at him confused trying to think if I knew him then I looked away knowing I didn't. When I looked back up he was gone.
The waitress escorted us to our table. We sat down and my friend and twin immediately looked through the drink menu. I was gazing over the food when he came over to our table and introduced himself as our waiter. I felt it then and there. I swear to you. I knew. It's exactly how they describe it to be. It was like magic. I had to hide my smile. He asked for our drink orders. Kim and Colleen ordered their beers and I asked for a non alcoholic beer. He asked if I was in the program and I told him I was. He told me he was also in the program. I remember that entire dinner service I was laughing and smiling because of him. He was everything I wanted in a guy. He was tall, funny, sober, had a job, made me smile, everything.
I ended up leaving him a note with my phone number in it when we we got up to leave. I remember on the drive home talking about him with Kim and Colleen. One of them joked about how cute our babies would look.
After we got ahold of each other, we got to know each and we just clicked. He met my family and my family adored him. He was everything I never had but always wanted from a relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I had been. Everything was so good and I was so happy and content. Then I found out I was pregnant after a month of dating.
I knew I was pregnant even before the test told me. We weren't smart when it came to our love life. I had a feeling that it was a possibility. I got a positive test result two days before my missed period. As much as I was caught off guard I never saw this pregnancy as a bad thing. I knew that no matter what I could handle this. I knew my family would be supportive. I knew that he would be supportive. I knew everything was going to be alright. I told my twin sister first then I told my older sister and my mother. They told me to wait to talk to him in person to tell him. I couldn't shake it off enough to wait an extra day until I saw him. I called him and he knew before I told him. He freaked out a bit and I could tell he needed some time to breathe and let it sink in. After a little he got rid of the visible anxiety and was very supportive. I felt safe and content. I was actually looking forward to everything because of how peaceful everything became.
All good things must come to an end as they say. And they did. Fast. It was amazing for about a week. Then I noticed him becoming more and more uninterested in the pregnancy. He was becoming more and more selfish. I tried to just brush it off and blame it on nerves but I couldn't. I began to feel less content and alone.
I was thrilled for our 8 week ultrasound. It would be the first time we would see our baby and it was our first doctor's appointment. I was so excited. The day of the appointment he didn't want to get out of bed. When he did he was in a grumpy mood, as if I was bothering him. He told me he was tired. I ignored his mood and focused on being excited. In the waiting room he was half asleep in the chair and debating on going to the car to lay down. When we went into the ultrasound appointment he sat there and seemed half interested but left to let my mom take a look and went to the car to sleep. He slept the whole way home and the entire rest of the afternoon. I felt very alone.
After everything I told him I thought it was best for me and our relationship if he found some where else to stay. That's when everything came tumbling down. That's when he originally lost control. That's when he relapsed. After that it was back and forth with him. He'd be in a shitty situation and I'd cave and tell him to come back then he would make me feel sad and create stress and I would ask him to leave. He would relapse.
My brother asked me to house sit after his wedding to take care of his dog and I agreed. I would be all alone so I offered him to come stay with me and just try to do this right. The first two days were great. We were amazing. I was actually happy and laughing and smiling and it was everything I wanted again. We had it back. We were working on our relationship. Until one morning he came back from his drive to work because he felt very sick. I thought nothing of it. He went upstairs to sleep it off. I went about my business. After I had lunch I went upstairs to take a nap too. I went to use the bathroom before I laid down and I noticed something on the ground. Laying right near the toilet was a syringe. A needle just laying on the ground. That's when I knew. That's when I felt it in my gut. I felt the end of everything. I knew he was using again. I knew he was lying to me. I knew he wasn't sober. I felt betrayed. I felt pissed off that he was careless enough to just leave a needle on the ground for his pregnant girlfriend to step on.
I confronted him and he of course denied it. He made up some stupid excuse that I barely listened to. He knew it was over. He knew I knew he was lying. I asked him to leave. That was the last time I ever saw him.
After a week he ended up going to rehab again. I remember desperately trying to reach out to him while he was away. His mom told me that his therapist said it was a bad idea for him and I to communicate. I remember thinking about stupid that was because I was carrying his child. It was out of my control. He got out when I was 4 months pregnant. He seemed to be doing better but he still wasn't the person I knew. I wanted the old him back. I needed it. Our communication was vacant. He was constantly too busy for me. He was always working, at a meeting, or with his sponsor. I understand all those things are important. I would never talk bad about making those a priority but I'm pregnant with his baby and he couldn't give me more than 5 minutes on the phone any given day. He couldn't text me without giving me one word answers. The more and more he pushed me away the more desperate I grew for his emotional support. I didn't care that he didn't contribute anything financially, it was the emotional support that was most important to me. I remember crying because he didn't have the time for me. I was so desperate for him to give a shit about me. I begged him to give me emotional support. He made it impossible. I finally got fed up enough to tell him that I don't want him in my life anymore or his daughter's life. I told him that I don't want any contact unless he wants to help out with money. He said okay and the phone cut out. That was it.
I didn't get over how easy it was for him to leave for a couple of months. I never heard from him. He never called to check in, to fight for his right to his daughter, to apologize, to ask if I needed financial help. Nothing. It wasn't until recently that I heard from him. I found out he went back to his home in Kansas because he was a wanted felon. Like WHAT!? He called. He apologized. I assumed it meant he wanted a big role in his daughter's life. Which isn't what he wanted which lead to major conflict. Instead I assumed too much. He got off on probation and told me he would be back in Pennsylvania to help me out before she's born. He told me he would be there when I went into labor. It made me feel oddly better about giving birth. I for whatever reason really liked the idea of having his help and having him around. Of course, I should have known better than to believe anything. He told me that the court gave him a choice. Choice #1 was to do probation and transfer it to Pennsylvania to be there when his daughter is born and to help me out but still be booked with a felony on his record. Choice #2 was to stay in Kansas for another year to complete Diversion to get the felony off his record but miss his daughter's birth and entire first year. He chose to stay in Kansas and I chose to tell him to just stay out of my life because for me she always comes first. I would live with a felony if I had to. She is always the first thing. It's not her fault he got a felony.
Long story short: I now understand why woman have so much trouble with their baby's fathers. They are a headache.
I don't regret being pregnant. I don't regret meeting him. Without him I wouldn't have her. It's all a life lesson. It will work out the way it's suppose to. In the end he is missing out. He never felt her kick, he's only been to one doctor's appointment, he didn't pick out all the beautiful things she has, he didn't decorate her room, nothing. He won't see her when she's born or when she's growing up. He lost out on all of that. I couldn't imagine.