I came in like a wrecking ball. I never hit so hard at all.
I'm not stating his name or posting of photo of him in respect to his family and friends. It's still something personal for me as well and I'm not willing to give it all away.
I can't believe it's already been three years. Three years ago God gained one more angel and I lost my one true love. I feel like as years go by everyone forgets you more and more while I'm missing you more and more. When the year begins to roll it's way towards October I wish it would just rewind. It's so hard for me even now to deal with the meaning of October. It blows my mind still that you're gone. You're not just one phone call away. I always look at your name in my phone's contact list when I'm upset and I pray that you're still there listening to me. All I can do is hope, I guess.
I remember when you told me that you thought you were sick and we laughed it off because you were to young to be that sick. You never told me you were sick. The rest of your life, that entire year, I had no idea how bad it was. I hate myself for that. I wish I would have been stubborn with you like I am with everyone else. I wish I would have spoken up and told you what you meant to me. You were my best friend. It was a friendship that words will never be able to describe and everyone continues to not understand. I know your heart belonged to somebody else at the time but my heart always belonged to you. Not in a romantic way, of course, because I was too damaged and I was dealing with my own demons. It was an unspoken love between us. You were so special to me.
October has such a powerful meaning to you and me. We meant in October. It was so crowded there and you stood out and came up to talk to me. I think I fell in love with you right then and there. You instantly made me feel at home. I remember October nights we would lay in your bed and watch those scary movies and you would hold me tight when I got scared or when something grossed me out. I remember we went to the movies on a double date and the other couple decided to see a comedy and you took me to see a scary movie. You held my hand the whole time.
October nights we would drive fast with the windows down. I remember looking out the window at the stars and thinking about how free I felt. The wind blowing in my hair and no destination. You took me away from the things in my life that were bringing me down. You taught me how to keep my chin up. I miss laying in your bed all night and you telling me all the horrible things you've been through and me telling you mine. We understood each other and we related. It wasn't ever romantic. It was just friends. It has always been. You were that person in my life that needed to be there.
Of course, October would be your final month lived. Instead of me loving this season and this month I turned to avoid it. It's not the same without you. I just miss you so much you don't understand. I need you in my life. You haven't gotten the chance to see who I grew up to be. You haven't gotten to see how well I'm doing. Three years sober and three years gone. It's horrible.
I know you're there listening to me when I'm talking to you when I can't sleep at night. I know that you somehow see who I am today. I'm sure you're smiling. I wish I could smile. I always wonder how you would be today. I wish you were here still. I have no one to go to anymore when I'm upset. My rock is gone.
So this one's for you, lovey. One more year without you and it really doesn't get easier. I'll keep talking and keep you alive in my mind forever. I hope you're listening.
I will forever love you my forever best friend.
Rest easy, okay?