So it's almost 8:30 and I'm the only one awake at my house right now. It's raining so I have two very wet sheepdogs that find it necessary to roll their wet fur all over my bed. So it's that kind of night. I decided not to go out tonight. I think I just need a night to myself to deal with the meaning today brings me. I haven't really talked to anyone today and I don't think anyone in my life realizes today is three years since he's been gone. I'm fine with that. I don't like making a big deal of it. It's personal and I think I'm the only one who understands how much his death has shaped who I am today.
I miss him. I do. I miss having that one person I could call or text when something amazing happened and when something horrible happened. I've lost that person in my life. I'm happy for people who have that, but as for me I don't think that position will ever be filled in the way he was able to understand me.
I was at the prime of my alcoholism and dealing with the personal demons and even with all that darkness he made it all go away. I couldn't tell you to this day how he did that, but he did. He took me away and showed me the beauty that is out there.He was one of the only guys in my life to give a shit about me and the mess I found myself in. He wanted to help me. At the time I didn't want help so he would never achieve this. When I was in my halfway house I got the message that he died. It was almost enough to make me want to drink and use again but I didn't because I knew he wanted me to be where I was.
He had no idea I went to rehab or that I was in a halfway house at the time and I had no idea of how sick he had become. Our friendship wasn't the best toward the end of his life because my life had become too much for even me to handle so I pushed everyone away. I never got to tell him what he meant to me. I never got to tell him how he changed my life and how thankful I was to have someone like him in my life. I tell him almost every night now. I try to.
That was the first person who I was super close to that had died. I never understood the pain people I knew went through when someone passed. I knew that it was painful, of course, but I never understood the extreme it was.
He was the only guy I was close to that didn't try to take advantage of me or my situation. He was the only guy I was close to that actually cared to get to know me past my appearance or persona and rumors. Sorry guys, but he has raised the bar for what kind of men I need in my life. I will forever be thankful to him for showing me that kind of love when I had no idea what love was.
I will forever love you my forever best friend. You're my one and only, Thank you.