So I was looking for that one thing that would put me in a better mood and I caved and dyed my hair again; Pink! My mom hates it but my very judgmental father told me "it looks very youthful, you're only young once" so that's the best I could get from him haha. My hair is there for me and not for anyone else, though. I survive on finding new things to do with myself to make me happy and not worry about what everyone else is thinking in their heads. It's hard but it's time that I evolve and change into who I want to be. I want to re-create myself.
On a completely other level, I was thinking the other night when I was falling asleep about relationships and about the touchy subject as "the other woman" aka the home wrecker of relationships. I hate that girl, every girl hates that girl, yet she still shows up from time to time. Everyone knows it. There's that one girl that you could never compete with that happens to be showing interest in your boyfriend (and what's under his belt). She's beautiful and mysterious and brings something to your boyfriend's life that you could never bring. I've met these woman and they destroyed my hopes and dreams within a one month span. They straight up live for the thrill of making someone cheat on their girlfriend with them. They love how they feel like a better and prettier person.
I've never been that woman but I was thinking about it from their perspective for awhile. What if you meet someone who is in a relationship that they aren't happy with and you like them and want to spend time with them and connect with them? What if the problem isn't the other woman but the fear of ending something you've had for awhile for something new. Fear of change. Fear of a different routine. If you're that other woman don't you think that if he left/cheated on his current girlfriend for you that he is capable of doing it all over again?
Once again, I'm just thinking too much. I am just so curious about the life of the other woman. What goes through their head and what makes them such a threat. I would never ever be the other woman. If someone is in a relationship then they're off limits (girl code) even if they just got out of a relationship I would never be the next girl a week or a month later. There will be a grieving period of sorts that that person goes through, each in different ways, and they need to go through that in order to be happy with someone else. Never give into someone too fast. Don't start daydreaming what life would be like with that person or rely on that person to always be there for you if you are interested because they aren't. They've got baggage that they need to drop before they can
So it’s one of those nights where Right Away, Great Captain! is on repeat and my head won’t stop thinking. I’ve been in this long down spiral this past week and I didn’t know why but I think I do now. I think I’m sick of thinking to myself. I grew up as one of those girls who always had a guy on the other end of the phone who would listen to everything I had to spit out. I don’t have that anymore because I’m not that girl. I don’t have my safe haven in one person anymore. It’s me against the world. I think that deep down I really want that one person to hold all my darkest secrets and new thoughts. Sometimes I think that I think too much.
No, but really, I always had someone to catch me when I fell and because of that I am conditioned to believe that no matter what happens someone will catch me. I don’t have that someone and I haven’t for a very long time now. It’s hard for someone like me to experience this amazing life without someone to share it with. Yes, I’m super introverted anymore but I think that would change when my person comes into my life with open arms and an open mind. I kind of feel like I’ve lost a limb that I never had if that even make any sense. I don’t think any of this makes sense to anyone right now because I’m having word vomit and just getting it out of my head. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have a need for a shoulder to cry on. I need someone in my life to help me along the way because I’ve been doing this alone for so long now that I don’t want to be alone.
My life is super complicated, I know, and having a guy be a constant in my life would be different but it wouldn’t be impossible if it’s the right guy. I’m over the guys who sit around all day smoking weed and playing video games. I don’t want that and I’ve dated too many of those types. I’ll be 22 years old next weekend and normal people my age are out binge drinking and having one night boyfriends. I lived that life, that was my life, that was the old me. That’s the me that everyone believes to still exist in this town. I’m not the “normal” 22 year old. I am almost 4 years sober and clean, I have two crazy sheepdogs that never behave, I moved back to my parents house due to certain events, I don’t drive because I’m a horrible driver and would probably crash into everything again, I love watching movies to fall asleep to, I have a personal relationship with God and I believe in life after death. I’m not that girl with A LOT of baggage but I’ve got a few skeletons in my closet that I would rather not bring up in any conversation.
I’m not your 22 year old party girl. I’ve had to grow up fast. I’ve seen the cruelest and most ugly parts of life. I had front row tickets not knowing if it was ever going to be okay again. At the same time I’ve seen the most powerful and beautiful parts of life. The cruel parts are goddamn cruel and I’ll never forget but that’s what makes the beautiful part so beautiful because I know that I am whoever I want to be. I am the memories I choose to hold on to and choose to forget.
I sound super pretentious right now because everyone wants pity and everyone says “oh, I grew up fast, I’ve been through shit, my tragedies are worse than anyone else’s, and blah blah blah” no. That’s not me. Trust me. The places I’ve been I’ve seen people who’ve had it the worst. When I was committed into the mental hospital when I was 17 I saw it. There was this one girl there about my age who was so beautiful. Breath-taking. yet she had scars and cuts on every inch of her body, even all over her face. I got to know her and I grew close to her. She taught me something that I will forever hold close to my heart. She was so young and there was a never-ending war in her mind. Could you imagine that? So much potential yet her mind was clouded with thoughts that distorted how she saw herself? Her twin sister was perfect (I met her) and she felt like she was nothing. Her sister was a model and had a billion friends and she had none of that. She was her own worse enemy. She had constant episodes where they had to lock down the ward and shoot her up with whatever it was to knock her out and calm her down. That is a hard life. Stuck in your brain with irrational thinking and not knowing the beauty life has to offer. She told me that she had been in the ward for almost a year. She was in bad shape and my prayers and heart forever goes out to her and I pray she sees the beauty that I see. I pray she wakes up one morning loving who she is. I really do.
Being in all the institutions I’ve been in I’ve see it all. I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories and I’ve heard some amazing stories of over-coming and taking control of what you thought you never could control.
Back to what I was trying to say; I think I’m ready to let someone into my life. I think I’m ready to let someone get to know me and test the waters. I think I want this. I want be happy. That’s all. I want to find someone and pull him in and create a beautiful goddamn life together. I want that love that everyone is jealous of. I want that person that I wake up to smiling every morning because of how lucky I feel and how blessed I am to have my person.
-----We’ll see. I’m not doing that whole online scene, no bars, nothing like that. I’ll read into the signs and go with it when it happens. It will happen when it’s just right and that’s the point when you know that this is it. This is love.
Thanks for reading my word vomit!
When I look back at past relationships I don't like seeing all the bad. I'm not that girl. I choose to see the good in those particular guys. I've had three serious relationships. I lived with two of the guys I dated. I was so young and I'm such a dreamer that the idea of happily ever after was much greater than the emotions I put into the relationships. I thought that if I made adult decisions that somehow I would be "that girl" for whomever I was dating. I never acted like myself which made me immature in a way. I was only looking forward at my dream of a life. I never took a second to stop and see what was right in front of me. I was emotionally unfair to them. I was in all reality emotionally unavailable.
I just hope that somehow there's a tiny place in their hearts where they can see that I meant well. When I get into a relationship I take things too fast every time. In a way I was unfair to myself. I've always been an unrealistic thinker but when someone tells me something I choose to believe them with 100% of my heart. When I started dating these guys they fell for this persona I put on of the girl I wish I could be. I deleted all of my faults and flaws and I made myself into someone that was impossible to live up to. That's where the mistakes of my relationships fell.
With that being said, I'm under no means saying I was the only one at fault for the downfalls. One of those guys was just like me, in recovery and finally sober. We fought the battle together but what we didn't see that it involved trying to fight our demons on our own. From my understanding he has continued to use since I told him to move out. That's all he said she said but the bad things are easier to believe sometimes. I hope from the bottom of my heart that he has hit his bottom and is finally living the life he deserves to live.
When you move in with a boyfriend it's a decision that is made between two people. When you're young like I was you don't listen to what everyone is telling you. You keep your chin up and you tell them that he is different, that this is going to work and that you'll show them. That's exactly how it always starts out. When you live with a boyfriend you see that person everyday. You realize how they live when no one is watching. You see them for who they really are. When you're young you put all the good in front of the bad and close your eyes wishing you'll wake up to how you thought it all should be. That never happens.
What I'm trying to say with this post is that looking back on the bad of the past relationships you've had doesn't make the pain go away. It makes you bitter. It makes you hateful. It makes you say horrible things about people when in reality they don't deserve the words you're spitting out. You're hurt. You want that person to feel how hurt they made you. That's totally understandable but that won't help you sleep at night. You'll lay in bed staring at the vacant space where he use to be and ask yourself over and over what you did wrong or what you did to deserve it. So what I'm telling you is to stop all the ex hate. Why can't you just look back and think "Yeah we fought and things got ugly but we had a damn good time together". I don't see why it never happens that way.
I had the WORST fights with ex's and I've been emotionally compromised many times but I don't want to remember the bad. I want to look back at the amazing friendship that once lived beneath all the hate that I'm feeling. I want to remember the smiles, the trips, the laughing, the conversations, that one person who would lend me his shoulder to cry on when something wasn't going right for me. When you think about it, would you want your ex's running around town spitting out horrible things about you to people who barely know you or would you want your ex telling people that it didn't work out but you were an amazing person? Think about it.
November has to be one of my favorite months and not just because my birthday is at the end of the month! I love the chilly weather and cuddling up inside a billion blankets. I love dressing up in layers and being creative with my outfits. I love how my family gets together and we catch up on what is happening in each of our lives. I really love looking forward to Christmas and decorating!
I think I love the idea of the end of the year because it inspires change. Everything is changing in so many ways. It's like it's the end of one chapter and you can't wait to read the next. I love that. Change has to be one thing I grew to love. I use to hate it. I avoided it at all cost. Now I invite it into my life with open arms. Change is something that is so important in my life. I'm forever changing and evolving and growing and learning. I am my best self each day that goes by.
I am so excited that it's finally getting cold. I dislike hot weather so much. I hate sweating and I hate when you can do almost nothing about being hot. I love cold because it's so easy to become warm. You just have to layer up and cuddle and drink hot chocolate! I'm looking forward to writing my New Years post about all the happenings of this year. This year has been probably the more easier year out of the past 5 years. Everybody says that each year was hard but in all honesty, the past 3 years were my worst. They were when I was trying to figure out where I fit into this life. I lost two people who I cared so much for. I had to get sober and get use to dealing with life without coating it up with alcohol and drugs. I quit my job and my social life to move into my grandfather's house to take care of him. I had to learn how to take care of someone who couldn't take care of themselves while trying to learn how to live life on my own. None of those things were easy. This year I was blessed with not having to deal with anything too crazy so far. It's been hard in some ways, but I've crawled home from worse than this.
I think I finally have a handle on my life. I have goals and dreams, finally. I know what I was put on this planet to do and I live each and everyday working towards that. That's an amazing feeling that I hope everyone eventually gets to. Just knowing your purpose for living. I use to not have a reason to live. I use to just run away from all the horrible events in my life and hope they went away on their own. Now I realized that you need to deal with horrible situations head on and with confidence. If there's someone in your life that is toxic to you then edit them out. You don't owe anyone anything. You owe it to yourself to just be happy. Surround yourself with people who have nothing but good things to say about you. People who you can call at 2am because you're crying and need someone to talk it out to. People who know your story and all the horrible happenings of your life and still love the shit out of you and people who have your back. Get rid of those people who you find yourself complaining to other people about. Why on earth would you have someone in your life that makes you gossip about them? It makes zero sense.
I've only ever had 3 really close friends. I only talk to one of them now. Sometimes when we evolve we evolve in a different way than the ones who we have come to trust. They will be forever your best friend but not in the way they use to be. My best friend in high school, I can tell you a billion crazy and happy stories about us and if you ask her she would do the same with a big smile on her face. Do we still talk? No. We grew in different ways. We usually text each other at the end of each year to check in to see how we're doing but it would never work further than that. She knew me back when I was at my worse self and loved me anyway. I grew into my best self and it's not the same person she remembers and vise versa. We will forever love each other but that's just life. I'll still be talking about stories of our adventures together when I'm 90 years old and laugh and smile. She is and always will be special to me as will my other best friend whom I don't speak with anymore.
Sorry for the novel of me blabbing about life, I'm just in one of those moods tonight. I do need to finish up some of my homework so I hope you all have an amazing night!