So I decided to take a little trip into the city tonight. Lancaster city. It's where my dreams once went to die and I let myself get taken away by the fast life. I made many mistakes in that city and my name co-signed with a horrible reputation. Yet, it's a part of me and will always be.
I got invited to go out with a few friends so I decided to get dolled up (aka did the whole hobo chic look) and go experience life as a real 21 year old. My thing is, I'm not a normal 21 year old and I never will be.
If those streets could talk... I swear it would be the end of me. I've already got enough people in Lancaster to do that dirty work for me. Reputation is a horrid thing. It's like impossible for anyone to have a 100% good one. Especially in this town with these people. Make one mistake and it stays on your record forever. It haunts you.
With that being said, going into the city is something I attempt to avoid as much as possible.There are a lot of people there who hold a lot of horrible memories and who are waiting for their chance to bring me down. I don't want to be relevant to those individuals anymore. I want to blend into the crowd and create a new persona of myself.
In reality, no one realizes that I'm not that young drunk girl anymore. I'm over 3 years sober, in college with a complete different look. I hate how people will hold past events over someone's head and never see them for who they molded into.The bad things are easier to believe, I guess. No one wants someone else to have a great life. Everyone waits around for you to mess up so they can rub it in your face.
I'm here to say that that's not going to happen. Not to me. I'm a different person now. I'm brand new. You may not like it and you may want to go over the memories of me in your head to pick a bad one to spit out at me. It won't break me. I laugh at it all now. I was young, an alcoholic, insecure and I finally hit my bottom and I got help. You may not believe in change but I'm living proof that change happens. I will forever avoid toxic people. I won't let them anywhere near me anymore. I surround myself with people who are positive and people who only have nice things to say about me. People who respect me and the choices I made to get better and the choices I continue to make.
We all go through it. No one is immune to it (unless you're my sister Katie who's had one boyfriend who she's currently living in sin with). We all have horrible break-ups and we all handle them in different ways. How do I deal with the heart wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach? Well first I load up on 2 liters of Dr. Pepper and buy a billion packs of cigarettes. Finally I lock myself in my room and dance around to this ultimate break-up playlist. It cures every heart break I come across.
What keeps me going
I'm a dreamer. I'm that girl that gets her hopes up even though time after time they are crushed. I'd rather be positive than negative. I want to see the good in everyone. The bad things are easier to believe but I rather start fresh with anyone I meet and delete the drama I've only heard about. When you think about it, you really wouldn't want someone who doesn't know you to judge you on your past. I know I wouldn't. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone is a fool at some point and everyone has had their hearts broken. It may be in different ways and different forms, but it's happened.
My past was so intense that I'm still feeling ripples of it to this day. When I'm getting to know someone new I always just want to tell them all of my bad so they can love me for my good. I don't want to be that false girl who puts up a front and only tells or shows the good parts of herself. I want someone to see the darkest part of me but still want to wake up next to me every morning.
I make my past sound like a monster when in reality it's not that bad. Compared to some people I got dealt an alright card but compared to my friends I'll always be "that girl." Forever. I'll be known to them as the survivor, the optimist, the nice person because when someone cares about you they only see the good in you. They look past the bad. I think there's something so beautiful in that.
With all that being said, I would never judge someone before I got to know them because I would not want to be judged for the mistakes and happenings of my past. I wouldn't want anyone listening to some ancient stupid rumor and make their plan around who they think I am off of that. That's not fair.
I've already gotten all the apologies I've needed for past rudeness. Everyone has a clean slate. That's how it should be. I'm not who I was 5 years ago and neither are you. I want someone to love me for who I am today than judge me for who I was 5 years ago. Amen.
So it's almost 8:30 and I'm the only one awake at my house right now. It's raining so I have two very wet sheepdogs that find it necessary to roll their wet fur all over my bed. So it's that kind of night. I decided not to go out tonight. I think I just need a night to myself to deal with the meaning today brings me. I haven't really talked to anyone today and I don't think anyone in my life realizes today is three years since he's been gone. I'm fine with that. I don't like making a big deal of it. It's personal and I think I'm the only one who understands how much his death has shaped who I am today.
I miss him. I do. I miss having that one person I could call or text when something amazing happened and when something horrible happened. I've lost that person in my life. I'm happy for people who have that, but as for me I don't think that position will ever be filled in the way he was able to understand me.
I was at the prime of my alcoholism and dealing with the personal demons and even with all that darkness he made it all go away. I couldn't tell you to this day how he did that, but he did. He took me away and showed me the beauty that is out there.He was one of the only guys in my life to give a shit about me and the mess I found myself in. He wanted to help me. At the time I didn't want help so he would never achieve this. When I was in my halfway house I got the message that he died. It was almost enough to make me want to drink and use again but I didn't because I knew he wanted me to be where I was.
He had no idea I went to rehab or that I was in a halfway house at the time and I had no idea of how sick he had become. Our friendship wasn't the best toward the end of his life because my life had become too much for even me to handle so I pushed everyone away. I never got to tell him what he meant to me. I never got to tell him how he changed my life and how thankful I was to have someone like him in my life. I tell him almost every night now. I try to.
That was the first person who I was super close to that had died. I never understood the pain people I knew went through when someone passed. I knew that it was painful, of course, but I never understood the extreme it was.
He was the only guy I was close to that didn't try to take advantage of me or my situation. He was the only guy I was close to that actually cared to get to know me past my appearance or persona and rumors. Sorry guys, but he has raised the bar for what kind of men I need in my life. I will forever be thankful to him for showing me that kind of love when I had no idea what love was.
I will forever love you my forever best friend. You're my one and only, Thank you.
I forgot to post these two gems. Enjoy!
If you haven't seen the first two seasons of American Horror Story I suggest you watch them now. The newest edition to the AHS family premieres tonight. American Horror Story Coven. The promos for this show are always pretty non specific compared to the punch this show throws when you see it. The promos for the new season already make me want to buy the DVD. I can't imagine what it has in store for use. The first season centered mostly around ghosts. The second season centered around aliens, zombie creatures, mental health to the extreme, and bloody face. They got inspiration from many infamous movies and things for the second season to be so amazing. For example, A Clockwork Orange, Texas Chainsaw, etc. The third rendition is based around the concept of witches. It's going to be super raw, sexy, and creepy. Everything you could ever wish for from American Horror Story.
I came in like a wrecking ball. I never hit so hard at all.
I'm not stating his name or posting of photo of him in respect to his family and friends. It's still something personal for me as well and I'm not willing to give it all away.
I can't believe it's already been three years. Three years ago God gained one more angel and I lost my one true love. I feel like as years go by everyone forgets you more and more while I'm missing you more and more. When the year begins to roll it's way towards October I wish it would just rewind. It's so hard for me even now to deal with the meaning of October. It blows my mind still that you're gone. You're not just one phone call away. I always look at your name in my phone's contact list when I'm upset and I pray that you're still there listening to me. All I can do is hope, I guess.
I remember when you told me that you thought you were sick and we laughed it off because you were to young to be that sick. You never told me you were sick. The rest of your life, that entire year, I had no idea how bad it was. I hate myself for that. I wish I would have been stubborn with you like I am with everyone else. I wish I would have spoken up and told you what you meant to me. You were my best friend. It was a friendship that words will never be able to describe and everyone continues to not understand. I know your heart belonged to somebody else at the time but my heart always belonged to you. Not in a romantic way, of course, because I was too damaged and I was dealing with my own demons. It was an unspoken love between us. You were so special to me.
October has such a powerful meaning to you and me. We meant in October. It was so crowded there and you stood out and came up to talk to me. I think I fell in love with you right then and there. You instantly made me feel at home. I remember October nights we would lay in your bed and watch those scary movies and you would hold me tight when I got scared or when something grossed me out. I remember we went to the movies on a double date and the other couple decided to see a comedy and you took me to see a scary movie. You held my hand the whole time.
October nights we would drive fast with the windows down. I remember looking out the window at the stars and thinking about how free I felt. The wind blowing in my hair and no destination. You took me away from the things in my life that were bringing me down. You taught me how to keep my chin up. I miss laying in your bed all night and you telling me all the horrible things you've been through and me telling you mine. We understood each other and we related. It wasn't ever romantic. It was just friends. It has always been. You were that person in my life that needed to be there.
Of course, October would be your final month lived. Instead of me loving this season and this month I turned to avoid it. It's not the same without you. I just miss you so much you don't understand. I need you in my life. You haven't gotten the chance to see who I grew up to be. You haven't gotten to see how well I'm doing. Three years sober and three years gone. It's horrible.
I know you're there listening to me when I'm talking to you when I can't sleep at night. I know that you somehow see who I am today. I'm sure you're smiling. I wish I could smile. I always wonder how you would be today. I wish you were here still. I have no one to go to anymore when I'm upset. My rock is gone.
So this one's for you, lovey. One more year without you and it really doesn't get easier. I'll keep talking and keep you alive in my mind forever. I hope you're listening.
I will forever love you my forever best friend.
Rest easy, okay?
This is the sexiest video I've ever seen in my life. Simple and to the point. I don't normally go for guys with abs........but holy shit he's hot. You're welcome for the repost ladies! Daydream the shit out of this video. .lkfna.mndfb;aehf[iefbo3qrboefB[wenf'qoeBFPU23FGAKSLDNfakshfwehgowa