My status in this city is "not relevant" and honestly I prefer it that way. I spent too much time in and out of the drama of this city. I don't care if my name doesn't even run across anyone's minds anymore. I don't mean this in a morbid way at all, what I mean to say is that I'm happy with where I'm at and who I choose to disclose my personal life to. A couple of years ago, everyone knew my business. They knew what party I went to, what I did at that party, and who I'm ironically dating. Everyone knew who I was close to and who I didn't care for and it all meshed together in the tabloids that were the people here. I was miserable. I fucked up a lot and I'd be 100% positive that someone would have something to say about it. They always did. Now, I do what I want in privacy. No one needs to know who I am close with, whom I choose to date or talk to. It's amazing. Having no facebook allows me to breathe and think for myself. I don't worry about what people will say and i'll be damned if I allow myself back in the limelight. I don't want to get people's expectations up of who they think I am or what they think I do. I want a blank slate with everyone. Yes, I do still use instagram and I sometimes go overboard with it, but that's because it's my only ties to the outside world. I know nobody reads my blogs, I'm not that stupid. But I make them anyway because these blogs are for me
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Happy 21st birthday!!!!You're finally 21! That's amazing, I feel like we've been waiting for forever for this day. I'm so happy that you're finally able to go out to the bars, finally. This is a big day! I know that you're going to have so much fun! Don't go too cray! I am so sorry I cannot make it out for your birthday night. I wish that I could be there but I have a very stressful and scary meeting tomorrow and I'm not sure that I'll be mentally alright to see you and everyone! I did get you a present, kinda. Haha. It's nothing big and amazing, it's just something I saw and I thought of you right away and I know you can create amazing things because of it. I genuinely hope that you are happy. I'm such a shitty friend. I've been so selfish, but someday soon I think I'll be okay enough to become the best friends that we are. You are my best friend. We've been through so much together for only knowing each other for three years! I'm lucky to have you in my life. I always think about the memories we had. Our guilty trips to McDonalds after telling ourselves that we were going to get healthy. All the nights we spent on my grandfather's porch watching tv shows and laughing and playing skip-bo, all the trips we took in the PT, the nights we spent awake until 6am just laughing so much that it hurt. Those memories will never leave my mind. It's been awhile since someone has accepted me for me and didn't judge me for all of my faults. You've always been there for me. Through the horrible relationship drama, driving me everywhere, being there when I was upset and being there when I was happy. I think it's so rare to find a friend that is 100% there for you. I'm sorry I haven't done the same lately. I'm working on it though. I wish nothing but the best for you on your birthday. You're 21, go raise some hell. Miss you! Happy birthday, lovey! xoxo so I just ride;I have a hard time relating to people, I'm not ashamed to say it. Everyone my age is out doing amazing things and constantly hanging out with friends and having the time of their lives, as they should. For me, that is not my life. My life is focusing on school work and taking care of my dogs. I don't go out with my friends, nor do I even text anyone. I'm pretty sure my phone has been dead for at least three days. You know how girls always say "I'm not like any other girl" blah blah blah. Well in my case it's true. I don't say that with the intention of getting compliments, being cliche, hate or much less pity. I see it in a negative yet positive way. I know I'm no catch. A guy won't meet me and be like, "oh my god, you are so awesome, I'm so lucky to have someone like you. Let's get married, yeah?" No. Listen, it's not that I hate myself but I'm being realistic. I don't drive or even have my permit yet (eh hem... I'm 21 years old) I don't have a job and I've got so much personal things going on in my life that I need to take care of. I don't mind, though. I'm no triple threat. I'm not a dead beat or anything, there are certain reasons that none of this stuff has happened for me yet. I will get there eventually, but until then I don't intend on dragging anyone into this crazy life with me. I think it's something that I need to figure out on my own. I need to reinvent myself. I need to do a bit of damage control. Being single isn't the end of the world, I see it as a blessing. I can completely focus on school and myself. It's refreshing. I've had 3 live in boyfriends. It's nearly impossible to juggle everything in my life while trying to maintain a healthy relationship. I'll get there someday. Well... maybe she can but unlike most, I am a big fan of her videos.Miley Cyrus has cause major controversy due to her crazy behavior and her explicit music videos. Yes, I think she can be a little obnoxious at times, but when it comes to her music videos I just can't get enough. Maybe it's the artsy person inside of me who appreciates a breath of fresh creativity to her music videos or maybe it's the filmmaker inside of me. I couldn't begin to explain. No matter who you are, you need to put your trend police ego aside and admit that she has made an amazing decisions in directors for her music videos. It's cinematic heaven. Yes, she's super sexual in her videos, but before you point your hateful finger at her take a look at your own life. Everyone goes through phases. I'm just happy there's a girl out there who is confident enough to strut her stuff on camera. A lot of people find this taboo. Everyone can't handle the fact that she's an ex-disney channel celeb who's twerking. Let me tell you, if I had her body I might do the same. In a filmmaker's eyes the "We Can't Stop" music video is amazing. The editing and visual effects done in this video is genius. It's just like she wanted, it look just like a glam L.A. party. Cyrus' new music video, directed by the creepy but talented Terry Richardson, is one of my favorite music videos, cinematically, that I've seen all year (Besides Panic! At The Disco's This Is Gospel & of course Miss Gaga's Applause video). It's very creative and full of emotional undertone. Everyone has something to say because she swings around on the wrecking ball nude, in reality it represents how vulnerable she is with love, and that sledge hammer she makes out with, meaning some of us just get use to loving the pain. I don't care who you are, you need to take a deep breath and just appreciate that Hannah Montana is all grown up and actually making great decisions with her career. No matter if you love it or hate it her name is leaving your mouth which is exactly what she is aiming to do. "I feel like most people take advantage of what is going on in the moment. They don't ever stop to think about how goddamn beautiful life is, right now. Every single moment you are spending with somebody will someday become an almost vacant memory. You need be happy. That's what I tell people. It doesn't matter how much money you have, what tragedies that you've met, or how mean people can be, you need to do everything in your power to be happy. Without happiness, your life is nothing. You're trapped in an everyday struggle with trying to figure out what their purpose on this planet is. The key to finding it out is for you to just be happy. There's too much beauty to quit." "When someone you care about is no longer around, the feeling can be suffocating. The things that remind you of that person are everywhere you look, it's endless. Sometimes you catch yourself trying to call them and then you stop yourself. They're not on the other end. They'll never be again. The truth hurts the worst. It's what you do with the truth that will determine how you will survive the cycle. Me? I hate the truth. I choose to believe that he is still here with me. I want to keep him alive in my mind, because if I don't he'll be gone forever." I hate the truth. The truth is one thing that can change your life in an instant. I choose to continue to believe that he is still here with me. I choose to believe that one day I will see him smiling back at me. I choose to believe that every time our song comes on my iTunes when I have it on shuffle it's because he put it on. It always happens when I'm sad or I'm on a down-spiral. It always cheers me up and it makes me feel loved. I choose to believe that when I'm in the car at night and his name flashes through my mind, it's because he's there with me enjoying driving fast down our favorite road.
I choose to believe he's still here with me, because it gives me hope. It gives me the hope I need to know that I'll be okay. No matter what happens in my life that I'm okay. - Five ways to win your heart. 1. Love my Old English Sheepdogs 2. Love Doctor Pepper. 3. Watch movies all night with me. 4. Never compromise my emotions 5. Love my family. - Something you feel strongly about. I feel strongly about breaking the stigma on mental illness. - A book you love. I adore the "Existence" trilogy. Judge me. - Things you want to say to an ex. Thank you for at least giving love a try with me and I know we tried the best we could. I hope that you're in a good place now and I hope nothing but the best for you in your life. Sorry it couldn't work out. I know I'm hard to get along with sometimes. Thank you for being apart of my story and helping me figure out what it is that I'm searching for in life. <3 - Five pet peeves. 1. When people rub their fingers together with a napkin. 2. The sound when girls file down their nails. 3. Rude people. 4. Not being cold. 5. The sound when two wet towels rub together. - Put your music on shuffle and write the first ten songs. 1. Hold The Door - Armor For Sleep 2. Emily - From First To Last 3. This Love - Ellie Goulding 4. White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons 5. Waiting Alone - Shiny Toy Guns 6. Finger Twist & Split - Cute Is What We Aim For 7. Last Night (Vegas) - Breathe Carolina 8. Here With Me - The Killers 9. This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco 10. Neuzeit - I Heart Sharks - Five guys whom you find attractive. 1. Zach Galifinakis 2. Gabriel Mann 3. Sebu Simonian 4. James Dean 5. Any guy with a beard who is chubby - Something that you always think "What if..." about. Probably High School. I always wonder what if I would have strayed away from the path I was down and didn't make the choices I made. - Something that you're proud of. Being 21 & over 3 years sober. - Five items you lust after. 1. Movies 2. Doctor Pepper 3. My Sony FS100 4. Books 5. Jewelry ( the cheap stuff gaudy stuff) - Your fears. Heights - not being happy - disappointing my parents - losing someone I love - letting someone into my crazy life. - Something that you miss. Not having a care in the world - having someone to cuddle with - Stanley as a puppy - Something you're currently worrying about. My meeting next week and getting my homework done tonight - A quote you try to live by. "Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you." - Somewhere you'd want to move or visit. Ireland. - Five weird things about you. 1. I can wiggle my ears 2. I have to sleep with the TV on 3. I don't drive 4. I've never been in love before - One thing you're excited for. Falling in love someday. I've fallin in love with the idea of starting somewhere new.I always get lost inside the thoughts in my head; daydreaming the days away. I've always adored the idea of just leaving and going somewhere new where nobody knows my name and possibilities become endless. Everybody says that they want to leave this town, but rarely does anybody go. I find myself wondering if everyone is just stuck on the same idea that I am. I wonder if everyone is just as afraid as I am of change and moving on.
I've moved on way too many times in my life with different people, different places, and different things. It's almost like you never feel safe with where you are or what you have because you know that one of these days you're going to get sidelined out of nowhere and have to move on from the things you love today. Change is inevitable. It's the structure of life. Without change, our lives would be boring, we wouldn't have any stories to tell. I just hope that in 20 years when I look back at my life I can say that I did everything in my power to be happy. That I never let money become the soul purpose that I lived the way I did. I just hope that I look back at all of the people who have been there for me and smile at the craziness that has become my life. & when I'm 80 years old, I just want to be filled with stories, both good and bad, that I can laugh at with whoever is still by my side. I want a good life. All I want is to be happy. I know that in order for this to become true I need to stop being so damn afraid of change and moving on. I need to embrace it. I need to stay positive and always only think good things of myself. I need to know that whatever choices I make will forever be the k I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and everything seemed so shitty. And he’d say, “that’s just the way it goes, but don’t forget, it goes the other way too.” That’s the way romance is… Usually, that’s the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too” I've been off my movie binge for awhile now, due to school and other personal reasons, but I'm back and I've missed it more than ever. I relapsed with one a movie that's in my top 1o favorite movies of all time; True Romance. If you've never seen this movie, please do yourself and your life a favor and watch it, own it, love it. Thanks to my future bother-in-law, I am now that proud owner of the special collector's edition. The filmmaker inside me is extremely happy. The special features include an alternate ending, the script, and a commentary that includes all of story boards that Tony Scott drew through-out the movie. I know, totally boring to most of you, but for me it's gold. Obviously with any movie written by Mr. Tarantino, the dialogue in this movie is amazing. Enough said. |
melissa von | 25 | lancaster | single mama | sober | positive vibes
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