I just wanted to write a quick post and thank everyone who has been contacting me and giving me feedback and compliments! It means the world to me. I write on here to try and show people the ugly sides of life and the beautiful sides as well! I'm so happy that you are relating and benefiting from my silly little posts! I'm happy that it means something to all of you!
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY TELLS US ARGUABLY THAT TRAUMA IS THE ULTIMATE KILLER. MEMORIES ARE NOT RECYCLE LIKE ATOMS AND PARTICLES IN QUANTUM PSYCHICS THEY CAN BE LOST FOREVER. IT'S SORT OF LIKE MY PAST IN AN UNFINISHED PAINTING AND AS THE ARTIST OF THAT PAINTING. I MUST FILL IN ALL THE UGLY HOLES AND MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL AGAIN. IT'S NOT THAT I'VE BEEN DISHONEST, IT'S JUST THAT I LOATHE REALITY.
I know that in life everybody at some point goes through certain situations that are horrible and impossible to rap our heads around. At the end of the day we all hurt the same. When it comes to the past and the tragedies that happened it's never okay to act like you had it worse than the next person. Situations are different, yes, but when it comes to emotions we all feel the same and handle things in the same types of ways.
With that being said, I've had my fair share of horrible situations. They put a big set back on my life and I missed out on the mental and emotional development from age 15 to age 18. All my therapists agree that when it comes to the bottom line, I have the mental structure as a 15 year old but a soul of a 40 year old. There's tons of things that I missed out on and there's a lot of things I should've learned in school that I haven't. No shame, these things happen. I've always been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
What I'm trying to get around to is that even though we have those ugly skeletons hanging in our closet we can still reach our dreams in life. It's not over. There's too much goddamn beauty to quit. You need to take baby steps to regain your balance in this crazy world and in life. You don't always get what you want. You're always going to lust after the things that you can't have. You just have to look back on the the situations that have gotten you to where you are today. Don't let it discourage you. Don't think negatively about any of the bullshit or the drama. Your weaknesses have provided you with a certain path in life. You just need to bite the bullet and get to it.
Yes, I actually went on a road trip (The first major road trip since visiting my sister Katie in South Carolina). Baltimore is an experience. I use to be consumed with the idea of living in a big city and starting over. Not anymore, lemme tell you. Too many horrible anxiety experiences that prevent me from going into any type of city. But we went to the Aquarium, which I've never been to. It was so crowded, but I got to meet some new friends while I was there;
Like these beautiful Jellyfish. It was so soothing to just watch them swim around. There's so many different types, it's crazy. I also met my guilty pleasure - Sharks! I adore sharks. I love how dangerous yet beautiful they are. They just swim like "sup bitch". They were very amazing to see up close and personal.
I also saw dolphins! They are amazing and so smart. I love how you can hear them talk even when they're underwater. I love when they breach one after another, almost like a dance. These animals are a perfect replacement for a therapist, trust me. They just put you in a happy mood. They're mesmerizing.
I will admit, being that far away from home and in a big crowded city was overwhelming for me. It's a lot to take in. I literally just wanted to go home and get into comfy clothes and just be at home in my safe haven. I don't like being around a lot of people, especially strangers. I try to push myself to try to be a normal 21 year old girl and sometimes I push too hard. This was one of those cases. I'm home now, thank god, and I'm in my comfy and ugly clothes and relaxing.
I hope y'all had a great day.
RICHARD ALCOTT - So I know that you're new to the blogging world and I have to say it is very unique! I want to ask what exactly made you decide to start your own blog?
MELISSA VON - Thank you so much!! Well, I was going through a rough patch in my life and I decided to delete my facebook to essentially fall of the grid and to have my own time to think things through. I came to the decision that I didn't want to reactivate it because I really didn't want to see how "normal" people my age were living their lives out which lead to the idea of creating my own space where I can get what I want out and not have to live up to anyone except myself.
RA - What do you mean by normal people your age? What makes you so different?
MV - I don't mean to sound prude or that I'm above anybody because trust me, I'm not. What I mean to say is that when you're 21 years old it's suppose to be the time of your life. You're suppose to be at college and going to parties and hanging out with all your friends. That's what I mean by normal. When I was 15 years old I was living my life just like a normal 21 year old would. I was drinking every day and going to a million parties and making so many friends. I'm 21 now and over 3 years sober. I can't relate to people my own age because the bulk of them go to bars to hang out or they talk about the different friends they have and about their amazing jobs. I don't have any of that. I don't have a million friends to talk about anymore, I don't work. I just can't relate.
RA - Now just to get back on the topic of this Q&A, tell me about the best relationship you've been in?
MV - The best relationship I've had started out as a relationship but we ended up being very special friends and I hold that relationship above all my other romantic relationships. He was my best friend.
RA - What do you mean by special friends?
MV - *laughs* I don't mean friends with benefits if that's what you're trying to get at. What I mean is that we shared something that was true love between friends. It started out romantic but it wasn't until we became close friends that I fell in love with him as a person. He just took care of me. He was the only one who actually gave a shit about me and trying to break me of my bad habits. Special friends.
RA - Are you still special friends?
MV - Yes, in some ways. He passed away in 2010. It was unexpected and I had a hard time with it. He's still my special friend because I still talk to him all the time. He can't talk back to me, of course, but I know he's listening and still watching over me like he use to when he was still here.
RA - I'm so sorry to hear that Miss Von. How have relationships been for you since his passing?
MV - Relationships have been good and bad. He's not here to give me the loving advice he use to so I go into these things blind and sometimes not thinking at all, reckless with love. It's something that stems from the personal struggles I've dealt with. I'm blind and reckless with relationships. I have this need to always have someone there to catch me when I fall down or someone to call when I'm going through a downward cycle. It was tough to really get over that. I believe that whoever happens to be watching over me finally got it through my mind that I need to be independent.
RA - What are some of the reckless things that you found yourself doing when it came to relationships?
MV - Oh, god. Well for one I'm that girl that feels the need to pick guys who are broken. Whether it's problems with parents, drugs, family, money, you name it and I would of dated it because I felt like maybe for some reason that my positive streaks would reach them and make them all better. It doesn't work that way. I dealt with verbal abuse, the guys relapsing, cheating, or just not caring about me.
RA- What is something that you'd tell your readers to avoid the things you've dealt with?
MV - That you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It's impossible. I know you want to be that girl that can change that bad boy but you'll end up crying yourself to sleep every night. It's not pretty. I would say find someone who brings out the best in you and who has close to the same beliefs and passions as you do. You need to be on the same level as your partner or the house is going to crumble beneath your feet. Just be smart and take it slow. No live in boyfriends until you're 100% you're going to marry that man. Trust me, it's not like the movies.
RA - It's been a pleasure to speak with you, Melissa. Thank you.
MV - Thank you so much, Richard!! Much love to you.
© 2013 - Richard Alcott
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but every single goddamn guy I date ends up breaking up with me in the most emotionally straining ways. Low and behold, a couple of months apart and they begin to blow my phone up and call me all the time and trying to sneak the great memories we had back into my brain. Does this happen to anyone else? Because it's annoying.
It's like "the one that got away" only I had no part in the plan of destroying our prior relationship, that was all you, buddy. I hate it. It's probably one of the most annoying things to me. When all is said and done I turn into the bad guy because I don't answer your texts or late night drunk phone calls to me? Worst. Situation. In. Relationship. History.
Sure, I'm the bad guy, I'll take that role if you just open your eyes and go back to smoking weed and hanging out with your friends in their mother's basement. DREAM BIG. I'll stick with my gay guy friends, thanks.
Don't take me the wrong way, I'm really not trying to sound harsh. I just find that when guys think they know what they want and move on that they realize that the relationship they had was pretty damn good compared to the drug infested life they left you for. If you hurt me once, then I won't ever consider dating you a second time. There's a reason it didn't work.
It's not me it's you... no... but really, it's basically all you.
So I went to check out my myspace tonight, it's been so long, and apparently they decided to fuck that website up more. I miss the classic layout. Anyway, so going through the rubble that was my site I came across a few pictures that I literally laughed out loud at. I know scene died along with myspace, but my pictures didn't. Yikes.
I saved you the trouble of trying to find these pictures on the clusterfuck that is myspace. Here you go; judge me. No... but really. I'm laughing at myself for this era of my life.