So it’s one of those nights where Right Away, Great Captain! is on repeat and my head won’t stop thinking. I’ve been in this long down spiral this past week and I didn’t know why but I think I do now. I think I’m sick of thinking to myself. I grew up as one of those girls who always had a guy on the other end of the phone who would listen to everything I had to spit out. I don’t have that anymore because I’m not that girl. I don’t have my safe haven in one person anymore. It’s me against the world. I think that deep down I really want that one person to hold all my darkest secrets and new thoughts. Sometimes I think that I think too much.
No, but really, I always had someone to catch me when I fell and because of that I am conditioned to believe that no matter what happens someone will catch me. I don’t have that someone and I haven’t for a very long time now. It’s hard for someone like me to experience this amazing life without someone to share it with. Yes, I’m super introverted anymore but I think that would change when my person comes into my life with open arms and an open mind. I kind of feel like I’ve lost a limb that I never had if that even make any sense. I don’t think any of this makes sense to anyone right now because I’m having word vomit and just getting it out of my head. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have a need for a shoulder to cry on. I need someone in my life to help me along the way because I’ve been doing this alone for so long now that I don’t want to be alone.
My life is super complicated, I know, and having a guy be a constant in my life would be different but it wouldn’t be impossible if it’s the right guy. I’m over the guys who sit around all day smoking weed and playing video games. I don’t want that and I’ve dated too many of those types. I’ll be 22 years old next weekend and normal people my age are out binge drinking and having one night boyfriends. I lived that life, that was my life, that was the old me. That’s the me that everyone believes to still exist in this town. I’m not the “normal” 22 year old. I am almost 4 years sober and clean, I have two crazy sheepdogs that never behave, I moved back to my parents house due to certain events, I don’t drive because I’m a horrible driver and would probably crash into everything again, I love watching movies to fall asleep to, I have a personal relationship with God and I believe in life after death. I’m not that girl with A LOT of baggage but I’ve got a few skeletons in my closet that I would rather not bring up in any conversation.
I’m not your 22 year old party girl. I’ve had to grow up fast. I’ve seen the cruelest and most ugly parts of life. I had front row tickets not knowing if it was ever going to be okay again. At the same time I’ve seen the most powerful and beautiful parts of life. The cruel parts are goddamn cruel and I’ll never forget but that’s what makes the beautiful part so beautiful because I know that I am whoever I want to be. I am the memories I choose to hold on to and choose to forget.
I sound super pretentious right now because everyone wants pity and everyone says “oh, I grew up fast, I’ve been through shit, my tragedies are worse than anyone else’s, and blah blah blah” no. That’s not me. Trust me. The places I’ve been I’ve seen people who’ve had it the worst. When I was committed into the mental hospital when I was 17 I saw it. There was this one girl there about my age who was so beautiful. Breath-taking. yet she had scars and cuts on every inch of her body, even all over her face. I got to know her and I grew close to her. She taught me something that I will forever hold close to my heart. She was so young and there was a never-ending war in her mind. Could you imagine that? So much potential yet her mind was clouded with thoughts that distorted how she saw herself? Her twin sister was perfect (I met her) and she felt like she was nothing. Her sister was a model and had a billion friends and she had none of that. She was her own worse enemy. She had constant episodes where they had to lock down the ward and shoot her up with whatever it was to knock her out and calm her down. That is a hard life. Stuck in your brain with irrational thinking and not knowing the beauty life has to offer. She told me that she had been in the ward for almost a year. She was in bad shape and my prayers and heart forever goes out to her and I pray she sees the beauty that I see. I pray she wakes up one morning loving who she is. I really do.
Being in all the institutions I’ve been in I’ve see it all. I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories and I’ve heard some amazing stories of over-coming and taking control of what you thought you never could control.
Back to what I was trying to say; I think I’m ready to let someone into my life. I think I’m ready to let someone get to know me and test the waters. I think I want this. I want be happy. That’s all. I want to find someone and pull him in and create a beautiful goddamn life together. I want that love that everyone is jealous of. I want that person that I wake up to smiling every morning because of how lucky I feel and how blessed I am to have my person.
-----We’ll see. I’m not doing that whole online scene, no bars, nothing like that. I’ll read into the signs and go with it when it happens. It will happen when it’s just right and that’s the point when you know that this is it. This is love.
Thanks for reading my word vomit!