I've been conning myself into these little never ending moods lately. I spend my days up in my own head over thinking everything. I am the kind of person that needs plans. I need to know the basics of how a situation is going to go. I need some kind of hold on it. Some kind of control. When my plans get a little hazy or compromised it just takes a toll on me. I need to be able to give myself options of how to deal with the upcoming situations. I don't like being surprised or thrown off course. I love being comfortable and prepared. I know some things you just can't prepare for but I try to avoid those situations as much as possible.
Kennedy's father popped up again. He decided to surprise me with his "new" plans for how he wants to co-parent. It threw me off. He's the kind of person that thinks he understands the basics but really he has no idea. It's hard for me to try and compromise when I know the right thing is the complete opposite. To be honest, it's really hard for me to be an adult and mature when it comes to him. I want to just yell at him sometimes and tell him how much he's messed up my life and how much he's hurt me. I want to let him know how bad I've had it since he's made the choices he has. I want to cry every night because it didn't work out between him and I. But I can't. It's not about him and I anymore.
When there's a baby involved, everything gets messy when it comes to dealing with an ex. I mean, all my other ex's I just lose their numbers and pretend that they don't exist anymore. I make sure that my heart is protected. I move on. With him it's different. I can't just move on because he's always there. I'm not telling you I would get back together with him by any means. I would never do that to myself again. It's just hard to allow myself to heal when I never know when he's going to text me and throw me off course. I wish him and I could find a common ground to successfully understand each other's needs and wants when it comes to our daughter, but the reality is that we can't. We aren't those kind of people. He has completely different beliefs for how everything should go than I do. It's impossible for us to compromise on some things.
Nights are hard for me anymore. I've spent basically my entire pregnancy sleeping alone. That hurts. I lay in bed and I daydream of what it would be like to have someone laying next to me and talking about how amazing our baby's future is going to be. It's just not my time this pregnancy I guess, which is fine. I am able to do it on my own. It's hard and emotionally stressful but I can do it and I know it's going to be amazing when she's finally here.
Of course, when I think about the future I keep thinking about how hard it's going to be to find someone who will want to be with me even though I have a baby. Dating is going to be so hard. I'm going to not want to spend time away from Kennedy and when I go on dates I'm going to be so much more picky because I need someone who will be good for Kennedy. I have no time right now in the next couple of months to even think about stuff like that. I'm going to have a newborn come December and I'm not going to want to risk my emotions on a guy when I need to be strong and 100% there for my daughter.
I can't wait until she's here, though. All of this stress and heartbreak will be worth it once I hold her for the first time. I know it. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. This pregnancy took it's emotional toll on me but in the end I win because I am going to have the most beautiful and amazing daughter out of it all. I get to have a built in best friend. I will never be lonely again. I cannot wait. I can't even describe the amount of love I already feel for her.