Being a mom and a parent has always been a dream of mine. I'm one of those girls that will swear up and down that they were born to be a mom. I believe that to be completely true. When I would daydream about it, I would always daydream about the happiness that belongs to the job title. I would think about how content and complete it would be. I thought about pregnancy and how amazing it would be to share that with my person and to get excited for our baby. When I found out I was pregnant I thought I had everything I ever dreamed about. I would soon find out how cruel life can be but how beautiful it could be too.
It was March of 2014 when I met him. I was having a night out with my twin sister and best friend when we decided to have dinner at T.G.I.Friday's at the local mall. I was actually thinking on the drive over how I didn't like that restaurant much, but I bit my tongue and knew I was going to enjoy the girl's night out either way. We told the hostess how many of us there was and she told us it would be a little wait so we took a seat in their waiting room. Their waiting room had a huge window in it that showed the inside of the restaurant. I remember sitting there and staring in the window and thinking while my best friend and my sister were having a conversation. That's when I saw him. He walked past the window and just as he was almost out of view, he did a double take and looked right at me. I looked at him confused trying to think if I knew him then I looked away knowing I didn't. When I looked back up he was gone. The waitress escorted us to our table. We sat down and my friend and twin immediately looked through the drink menu. I was gazing over the food when he came over to our table and introduced himself as our waiter. I felt it then and there. I swear to you. I knew. It's exactly how they describe it to be. It was like magic. I had to hide my smile. He asked for our drink orders. Kim and Colleen ordered their beers and I asked for a non alcoholic beer. He asked if I was in the program and I told him I was. He told me he was also in the program. I remember that entire dinner service I was laughing and smiling because of him. He was everything I wanted in a guy. He was tall, funny, sober, had a job, made me smile, everything. I ended up leaving him a note with my phone number in it when we we got up to leave. I remember on the drive home talking about him with Kim and Colleen. One of them joked about how cute our babies would look. After we got ahold of each other, we got to know each and we just clicked. He met my family and my family adored him. He was everything I never had but always wanted from a relationship. I couldn't believe how lucky I had been. Everything was so good and I was so happy and content. Then I found out I was pregnant after a month of dating. I knew I was pregnant even before the test told me. We weren't smart when it came to our love life. I had a feeling that it was a possibility. I got a positive test result two days before my missed period. As much as I was caught off guard I never saw this pregnancy as a bad thing. I knew that no matter what I could handle this. I knew my family would be supportive. I knew that he would be supportive. I knew everything was going to be alright. I told my twin sister first then I told my older sister and my mother. They told me to wait to talk to him in person to tell him. I couldn't shake it off enough to wait an extra day until I saw him. I called him and he knew before I told him. He freaked out a bit and I could tell he needed some time to breathe and let it sink in. After a little he got rid of the visible anxiety and was very supportive. I felt safe and content. I was actually looking forward to everything because of how peaceful everything became. All good things must come to an end as they say. And they did. Fast. It was amazing for about a week. Then I noticed him becoming more and more uninterested in the pregnancy. He was becoming more and more selfish. I tried to just brush it off and blame it on nerves but I couldn't. I began to feel less content and alone. I was thrilled for our 8 week ultrasound. It would be the first time we would see our baby and it was our first doctor's appointment. I was so excited. The day of the appointment he didn't want to get out of bed. When he did he was in a grumpy mood, as if I was bothering him. He told me he was tired. I ignored his mood and focused on being excited. In the waiting room he was half asleep in the chair and debating on going to the car to lay down. When we went into the ultrasound appointment he sat there and seemed half interested but left to let my mom take a look and went to the car to sleep. He slept the whole way home and the entire rest of the afternoon. I felt very alone. After everything I told him I thought it was best for me and our relationship if he found some where else to stay. That's when everything came tumbling down. That's when he originally lost control. That's when he relapsed. After that it was back and forth with him. He'd be in a shitty situation and I'd cave and tell him to come back then he would make me feel sad and create stress and I would ask him to leave. He would relapse. My brother asked me to house sit after his wedding to take care of his dog and I agreed. I would be all alone so I offered him to come stay with me and just try to do this right. The first two days were great. We were amazing. I was actually happy and laughing and smiling and it was everything I wanted again. We had it back. We were working on our relationship. Until one morning he came back from his drive to work because he felt very sick. I thought nothing of it. He went upstairs to sleep it off. I went about my business. After I had lunch I went upstairs to take a nap too. I went to use the bathroom before I laid down and I noticed something on the ground. Laying right near the toilet was a syringe. A needle just laying on the ground. That's when I knew. That's when I felt it in my gut. I felt the end of everything. I knew he was using again. I knew he was lying to me. I knew he wasn't sober. I felt betrayed. I felt pissed off that he was careless enough to just leave a needle on the ground for his pregnant girlfriend to step on. I confronted him and he of course denied it. He made up some stupid excuse that I barely listened to. He knew it was over. He knew I knew he was lying. I asked him to leave. That was the last time I ever saw him. After a week he ended up going to rehab again. I remember desperately trying to reach out to him while he was away. His mom told me that his therapist said it was a bad idea for him and I to communicate. I remember thinking about stupid that was because I was carrying his child. It was out of my control. He got out when I was 4 months pregnant. He seemed to be doing better but he still wasn't the person I knew. I wanted the old him back. I needed it. Our communication was vacant. He was constantly too busy for me. He was always working, at a meeting, or with his sponsor. I understand all those things are important. I would never talk bad about making those a priority but I'm pregnant with his baby and he couldn't give me more than 5 minutes on the phone any given day. He couldn't text me without giving me one word answers. The more and more he pushed me away the more desperate I grew for his emotional support. I didn't care that he didn't contribute anything financially, it was the emotional support that was most important to me. I remember crying because he didn't have the time for me. I was so desperate for him to give a shit about me. I begged him to give me emotional support. He made it impossible. I finally got fed up enough to tell him that I don't want him in my life anymore or his daughter's life. I told him that I don't want any contact unless he wants to help out with money. He said okay and the phone cut out. That was it. I didn't get over how easy it was for him to leave for a couple of months. I never heard from him. He never called to check in, to fight for his right to his daughter, to apologize, to ask if I needed financial help. Nothing. It wasn't until recently that I heard from him. I found out he went back to his home in Kansas because he was a wanted felon. Like WHAT!? He called. He apologized. I assumed it meant he wanted a big role in his daughter's life. Which isn't what he wanted which lead to major conflict. Instead I assumed too much. He got off on probation and told me he would be back in Pennsylvania to help me out before she's born. He told me he would be there when I went into labor. It made me feel oddly better about giving birth. I for whatever reason really liked the idea of having his help and having him around. Of course, I should have known better than to believe anything. He told me that the court gave him a choice. Choice #1 was to do probation and transfer it to Pennsylvania to be there when his daughter is born and to help me out but still be booked with a felony on his record. Choice #2 was to stay in Kansas for another year to complete Diversion to get the felony off his record but miss his daughter's birth and entire first year. He chose to stay in Kansas and I chose to tell him to just stay out of my life because for me she always comes first. I would live with a felony if I had to. She is always the first thing. It's not her fault he got a felony. Long story short: I now understand why woman have so much trouble with their baby's fathers. They are a headache. I don't regret being pregnant. I don't regret meeting him. Without him I wouldn't have her. It's all a life lesson. It will work out the way it's suppose to. In the end he is missing out. He never felt her kick, he's only been to one doctor's appointment, he didn't pick out all the beautiful things she has, he didn't decorate her room, nothing. He won't see her when she's born or when she's growing up. He lost out on all of that. I couldn't imagine.
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So it’s one of those nights where Right Away, Great Captain! is on repeat and my head won’t stop thinking. I’ve been in this long down spiral this past week and I didn’t know why but I think I do now. I think I’m sick of thinking to myself. I grew up as one of those girls who always had a guy on the other end of the phone who would listen to everything I had to spit out. I don’t have that anymore because I’m not that girl. I don’t have my safe haven in one person anymore. It’s me against the world. I think that deep down I really want that one person to hold all my darkest secrets and new thoughts. Sometimes I think that I think too much.
No, but really, I always had someone to catch me when I fell and because of that I am conditioned to believe that no matter what happens someone will catch me. I don’t have that someone and I haven’t for a very long time now. It’s hard for someone like me to experience this amazing life without someone to share it with. Yes, I’m super introverted anymore but I think that would change when my person comes into my life with open arms and an open mind. I kind of feel like I’ve lost a limb that I never had if that even make any sense. I don’t think any of this makes sense to anyone right now because I’m having word vomit and just getting it out of my head. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have a need for a shoulder to cry on. I need someone in my life to help me along the way because I’ve been doing this alone for so long now that I don’t want to be alone. My life is super complicated, I know, and having a guy be a constant in my life would be different but it wouldn’t be impossible if it’s the right guy. I’m over the guys who sit around all day smoking weed and playing video games. I don’t want that and I’ve dated too many of those types. I’ll be 22 years old next weekend and normal people my age are out binge drinking and having one night boyfriends. I lived that life, that was my life, that was the old me. That’s the me that everyone believes to still exist in this town. I’m not the “normal” 22 year old. I am almost 4 years sober and clean, I have two crazy sheepdogs that never behave, I moved back to my parents house due to certain events, I don’t drive because I’m a horrible driver and would probably crash into everything again, I love watching movies to fall asleep to, I have a personal relationship with God and I believe in life after death. I’m not that girl with A LOT of baggage but I’ve got a few skeletons in my closet that I would rather not bring up in any conversation. I’m not your 22 year old party girl. I’ve had to grow up fast. I’ve seen the cruelest and most ugly parts of life. I had front row tickets not knowing if it was ever going to be okay again. At the same time I’ve seen the most powerful and beautiful parts of life. The cruel parts are goddamn cruel and I’ll never forget but that’s what makes the beautiful part so beautiful because I know that I am whoever I want to be. I am the memories I choose to hold on to and choose to forget. I sound super pretentious right now because everyone wants pity and everyone says “oh, I grew up fast, I’ve been through shit, my tragedies are worse than anyone else’s, and blah blah blah” no. That’s not me. Trust me. The places I’ve been I’ve seen people who’ve had it the worst. When I was committed into the mental hospital when I was 17 I saw it. There was this one girl there about my age who was so beautiful. Breath-taking. yet she had scars and cuts on every inch of her body, even all over her face. I got to know her and I grew close to her. She taught me something that I will forever hold close to my heart. She was so young and there was a never-ending war in her mind. Could you imagine that? So much potential yet her mind was clouded with thoughts that distorted how she saw herself? Her twin sister was perfect (I met her) and she felt like she was nothing. Her sister was a model and had a billion friends and she had none of that. She was her own worse enemy. She had constant episodes where they had to lock down the ward and shoot her up with whatever it was to knock her out and calm her down. That is a hard life. Stuck in your brain with irrational thinking and not knowing the beauty life has to offer. She told me that she had been in the ward for almost a year. She was in bad shape and my prayers and heart forever goes out to her and I pray she sees the beauty that I see. I pray she wakes up one morning loving who she is. I really do. Being in all the institutions I’ve been in I’ve see it all. I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories and I’ve heard some amazing stories of over-coming and taking control of what you thought you never could control. Back to what I was trying to say; I think I’m ready to let someone into my life. I think I’m ready to let someone get to know me and test the waters. I think I want this. I want be happy. That’s all. I want to find someone and pull him in and create a beautiful goddamn life together. I want that love that everyone is jealous of. I want that person that I wake up to smiling every morning because of how lucky I feel and how blessed I am to have my person. -----We’ll see. I’m not doing that whole online scene, no bars, nothing like that. I’ll read into the signs and go with it when it happens. It will happen when it’s just right and that’s the point when you know that this is it. This is love. Thanks for reading my word vomit! xoxo I'm a dreamer. I'm that girl that gets her hopes up even though time after time they are crushed. I'd rather be positive than negative. I want to see the good in everyone. The bad things are easier to believe but I rather start fresh with anyone I meet and delete the drama I've only heard about. When you think about it, you really wouldn't want someone who doesn't know you to judge you on your past. I know I wouldn't. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone is a fool at some point and everyone has had their hearts broken. It may be in different ways and different forms, but it's happened.
My past was so intense that I'm still feeling ripples of it to this day. When I'm getting to know someone new I always just want to tell them all of my bad so they can love me for my good. I don't want to be that false girl who puts up a front and only tells or shows the good parts of herself. I want someone to see the darkest part of me but still want to wake up next to me every morning. I make my past sound like a monster when in reality it's not that bad. Compared to some people I got dealt an alright card but compared to my friends I'll always be "that girl." Forever. I'll be known to them as the survivor, the optimist, the nice person because when someone cares about you they only see the good in you. They look past the bad. I think there's something so beautiful in that. With all that being said, I would never judge someone before I got to know them because I would not want to be judged for the mistakes and happenings of my past. I wouldn't want anyone listening to some ancient stupid rumor and make their plan around who they think I am off of that. That's not fair. I've already gotten all the apologies I've needed for past rudeness. Everyone has a clean slate. That's how it should be. I'm not who I was 5 years ago and neither are you. I want someone to love me for who I am today than judge me for who I was 5 years ago. Amen. XO So it's almost 8:30 and I'm the only one awake at my house right now. It's raining so I have two very wet sheepdogs that find it necessary to roll their wet fur all over my bed. So it's that kind of night. I decided not to go out tonight. I think I just need a night to myself to deal with the meaning today brings me. I haven't really talked to anyone today and I don't think anyone in my life realizes today is three years since he's been gone. I'm fine with that. I don't like making a big deal of it. It's personal and I think I'm the only one who understands how much his death has shaped who I am today. I miss him. I do. I miss having that one person I could call or text when something amazing happened and when something horrible happened. I've lost that person in my life. I'm happy for people who have that, but as for me I don't think that position will ever be filled in the way he was able to understand me. I was at the prime of my alcoholism and dealing with the personal demons and even with all that darkness he made it all go away. I couldn't tell you to this day how he did that, but he did. He took me away and showed me the beauty that is out there.He was one of the only guys in my life to give a shit about me and the mess I found myself in. He wanted to help me. At the time I didn't want help so he would never achieve this. When I was in my halfway house I got the message that he died. It was almost enough to make me want to drink and use again but I didn't because I knew he wanted me to be where I was. He had no idea I went to rehab or that I was in a halfway house at the time and I had no idea of how sick he had become. Our friendship wasn't the best toward the end of his life because my life had become too much for even me to handle so I pushed everyone away. I never got to tell him what he meant to me. I never got to tell him how he changed my life and how thankful I was to have someone like him in my life. I tell him almost every night now. I try to. That was the first person who I was super close to that had died. I never understood the pain people I knew went through when someone passed. I knew that it was painful, of course, but I never understood the extreme it was. He was the only guy I was close to that didn't try to take advantage of me or my situation. He was the only guy I was close to that actually cared to get to know me past my appearance or persona and rumors. Sorry guys, but he has raised the bar for what kind of men I need in my life. I will forever be thankful to him for showing me that kind of love when I had no idea what love was. I will forever love you my forever best friend. You're my one and only, Thank you. XO I forgot to post these two gems. Enjoy! I came in like a wrecking ball. I never hit so hard at all.I'm not stating his name or posting of photo of him in respect to his family and friends. It's still something personal for me as well and I'm not willing to give it all away. I can't believe it's already been three years. Three years ago God gained one more angel and I lost my one true love. I feel like as years go by everyone forgets you more and more while I'm missing you more and more. When the year begins to roll it's way towards October I wish it would just rewind. It's so hard for me even now to deal with the meaning of October. It blows my mind still that you're gone. You're not just one phone call away. I always look at your name in my phone's contact list when I'm upset and I pray that you're still there listening to me. All I can do is hope, I guess.
I remember when you told me that you thought you were sick and we laughed it off because you were to young to be that sick. You never told me you were sick. The rest of your life, that entire year, I had no idea how bad it was. I hate myself for that. I wish I would have been stubborn with you like I am with everyone else. I wish I would have spoken up and told you what you meant to me. You were my best friend. It was a friendship that words will never be able to describe and everyone continues to not understand. I know your heart belonged to somebody else at the time but my heart always belonged to you. Not in a romantic way, of course, because I was too damaged and I was dealing with my own demons. It was an unspoken love between us. You were so special to me. October has such a powerful meaning to you and me. We meant in October. It was so crowded there and you stood out and came up to talk to me. I think I fell in love with you right then and there. You instantly made me feel at home. I remember October nights we would lay in your bed and watch those scary movies and you would hold me tight when I got scared or when something grossed me out. I remember we went to the movies on a double date and the other couple decided to see a comedy and you took me to see a scary movie. You held my hand the whole time. October nights we would drive fast with the windows down. I remember looking out the window at the stars and thinking about how free I felt. The wind blowing in my hair and no destination. You took me away from the things in my life that were bringing me down. You taught me how to keep my chin up. I miss laying in your bed all night and you telling me all the horrible things you've been through and me telling you mine. We understood each other and we related. It wasn't ever romantic. It was just friends. It has always been. You were that person in my life that needed to be there. Of course, October would be your final month lived. Instead of me loving this season and this month I turned to avoid it. It's not the same without you. I just miss you so much you don't understand. I need you in my life. You haven't gotten the chance to see who I grew up to be. You haven't gotten to see how well I'm doing. Three years sober and three years gone. It's horrible. I know you're there listening to me when I'm talking to you when I can't sleep at night. I know that you somehow see who I am today. I'm sure you're smiling. I wish I could smile. I always wonder how you would be today. I wish you were here still. I have no one to go to anymore when I'm upset. My rock is gone. So this one's for you, lovey. One more year without you and it really doesn't get easier. I'll keep talking and keep you alive in my mind forever. I hope you're listening. I will forever love you my forever best friend. Rest easy, okay? xoxo being melissa von meets amour filmsamourFILMS doesn't necessarily share the views and opinions depicted in Being Melissa Von's vlog or blog. amourFILMS has helped me out with re-creating my "brand" of my vlog and I'm so excited to see what the future holds with the help of amourFILMS! Basically they just helped me out with an awesome introductions and amazing credits. The rest is just my sloppy photobooth recording of me talking to myself about myself. I'm trying to see if I can upgrade to my sony FS100. Fingers crossed. Anyone who knows me knows that I've never been in love before. I've felt love for boyfriends, but never been head over heels, can't imagine my life without you kind of love. I can tell you what I do love. I love pictures I have with ex-boyfriends. I think it's because I look happy, because I was. It's not a creepy "I miss you so much omg" type of thing. I just love how damn happy I look. I miss that. I mean if you took away the bullshit and difficult situations I was so happy. I think there's something amazing in being so close with someone like that. That one person you text first when something crazy happens, or to say good morning and goodnight. The one person who you confide in with your secrets and have trust that they'll keep it hidden within them. I do miss being in a relationship. The boyfriend above I decided to "attempt" to keep his identity unknown. It's not that we're on bad terms or anything. We're just nothing. We're not friends, we're not enemies, we've just become strangers. I think that's the saddest thing in a relationship. When your best friend, the person you're so close to all of a sudden becomes a person you know nothing about. I will FOREVER care about each one of my serious boyfriends. I hate holding grudges and feeling hate towards someone who you use to care about. I try to be mature and take it as it is and understand that it just didn't work. There's only one serious boyfriend who I have harsh feelings towards. I hate it but he decided to betray our post relationship friendship and he decided to be immature. He's into drugs again and hanging around the wrong crowd the last time I heard. I do wish him well even though I don't very much care for him. I think that's the craziest thing about relationships; emotions. Emotions are powerful things. If you use them in the wrong situations then it can destroy lives. But if you use them in the perfect situations then it can change your life for the better. If put in the wrong hands in the wrong situations, it's like a ticking time bomb. You need know whens the right time to give your heart away. I've chosen horrible times, obviously. I know better now. It will happen when it happens. Being patient with fate is getting old, but I'll play this game. "So la di da di, we like to party, dancing with 'Miley'" This song is going to be forever stuck in my head & I know she pokes towards saying "dancing with Molly" aka the drug aka just say what you mean, girl! & she sings about getting "so turned up" by a line in a bathroom aka cocaine. Everyone is freaking out about this. Whatever guys, seriously. We all have had a specific time in our lives where we've pushed the limits a little too far. People just have this fear of becoming irrelevant which I think has a lot to do with the Miley Cyrus song & Video chaos that has consumed the world wide web. Whenever someone stands out, other people get all panic-y and freak out about blah blah blah because they have boring lives and love to judge others but get crushed when others judge them. Just do you and let everyone else do them. It's really not the end of the world. So Miley has a fake grill and is air humping on the bed, tell me what you were like in college and I ensure you that the roles are basically equal. We all do things when we're young to find ourselves. Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you. Let the bitch have fun! |
melissa von | 25 | lancaster | single mama | sober | positive vibes
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