When I look back at past relationships I don't like seeing all the bad. I'm not that girl. I choose to see the good in those particular guys. I've had three serious relationships. I lived with two of the guys I dated. I was so young and I'm such a dreamer that the idea of happily ever after was much greater than the emotions I put into the relationships. I thought that if I made adult decisions that somehow I would be "that girl" for whomever I was dating. I never acted like myself which made me immature in a way. I was only looking forward at my dream of a life. I never took a second to stop and see what was right in front of me. I was emotionally unfair to them. I was in all reality emotionally unavailable.
I just hope that somehow there's a tiny place in their hearts where they can see that I meant well. When I get into a relationship I take things too fast every time. In a way I was unfair to myself. I've always been an unrealistic thinker but when someone tells me something I choose to believe them with 100% of my heart. When I started dating these guys they fell for this persona I put on of the girl I wish I could be. I deleted all of my faults and flaws and I made myself into someone that was impossible to live up to. That's where the mistakes of my relationships fell.
With that being said, I'm under no means saying I was the only one at fault for the downfalls. One of those guys was just like me, in recovery and finally sober. We fought the battle together but what we didn't see that it involved trying to fight our demons on our own. From my understanding he has continued to use since I told him to move out. That's all he said she said but the bad things are easier to believe sometimes. I hope from the bottom of my heart that he has hit his bottom and is finally living the life he deserves to live.
When you move in with a boyfriend it's a decision that is made between two people. When you're young like I was you don't listen to what everyone is telling you. You keep your chin up and you tell them that he is different, that this is going to work and that you'll show them. That's exactly how it always starts out. When you live with a boyfriend you see that person everyday. You realize how they live when no one is watching. You see them for who they really are. When you're young you put all the good in front of the bad and close your eyes wishing you'll wake up to how you thought it all should be. That never happens.
What I'm trying to say with this post is that looking back on the bad of the past relationships you've had doesn't make the pain go away. It makes you bitter. It makes you hateful. It makes you say horrible things about people when in reality they don't deserve the words you're spitting out. You're hurt. You want that person to feel how hurt they made you. That's totally understandable but that won't help you sleep at night. You'll lay in bed staring at the vacant space where he use to be and ask yourself over and over what you did wrong or what you did to deserve it. So what I'm telling you is to stop all the ex hate. Why can't you just look back and think "Yeah we fought and things got ugly but we had a damn good time together". I don't see why it never happens that way.
I had the WORST fights with ex's and I've been emotionally compromised many times but I don't want to remember the bad. I want to look back at the amazing friendship that once lived beneath all the hate that I'm feeling. I want to remember the smiles, the trips, the laughing, the conversations, that one person who would lend me his shoulder to cry on when something wasn't going right for me. When you think about it, would you want your ex's running around town spitting out horrible things about you to people who barely know you or would you want your ex telling people that it didn't work out but you were an amazing person? Think about it.